SPM trials have officially ended. And honestly speaking, I don't know what grades am I going to get. I studied. And studying leads me to expecting, expecting that everything will be okay, that I would be able to answer the questions, that maybe, finally, I could get decent marks and I could make my parents proud. But I don't know. I just don't want to disappoint and be disappointed.
This is why I hate studying for exams, it's not like I don't want to excel, it's the hope that blooms with every page I turn and every word I jot down. Studying makes me want good results and when I don't get them, it's heartbreaking. At least when I'm not studying, it doesn't get my hopes up. I already know that I'm going to flunk.
It feels like one minute I'm all "Yes! Let's get A+ for all subjects," and the next my mind goes blank and I feel like "Can I really do this?". The doubt is growing bigger and bigger and it's nerve wrecking and stressful just to even think about it. I'm scared for SPM. I mean it's the ultimate test that determines my life. I want it to come fast and at the same time I want time to just stop and let me study for a little while longer. It's making me crazy.
My friends are all smart, amazing and exceptionally excellent in their studies. And that makes me feel like the ultimate loser in my class. It's like I'm the janitor that cleans in some fancy science lab where all the scientists ever talk about are velocity, magnetism and the death of stars. And there's me, standing in the corner, holding a mop with a bucket next to my sneakers trying to comprehend whatever it is that they're talking about.
I really don't know about this one. SPM is going to be the death of me.