I want to be able to cry when I want to. I want to be able to laugh when I want to. I want to be able to smile when I want to. I want to be able to lash out when I want to. I want to express my feelings whenever I want to.
But by some sickening fate, I'm born in a surrounding that taught me to surpress my emotions and just show a straight face. I hate it, I hate it with a burning passion. It got me confused, like I don't know what exactly am I feeling. It's hard, too hard that I don't know myself. I can't even know me, myself. Do you know how insecure that is? With my looks and whatnot, that's not even what anyone would consider fortunate.
Other people would say, you should be grateful. But is it possible to be grateful when I'm feeling incomplete? I am incomplete. Too incomplete that I'm searching for things that would make me complete every seconds, minutes, hours and days of my whole life. And tell me, how can you feel complete when your loved ones tell you that they don't even want you in the first place?
That feeling when you feel that you're invisible, too small that someone might not even know that you exist, that feeling crumbles me apart. Inside and outside. Yet I'm forced to keep up this facade that I'm all unicorns and rainbows. The sad part is I'm forced to do that by myself. I tried letting myself go for once and it didn't turn out as well as how I would like it to be. I sometimes wish that my whole life is different. I want perfection but you know what they all say, you don't always get what you want.
